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Misery and Misanthropy
 
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Domestic Terrorist's LiveJournal:

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Wednesday, May 1st, 2013
10:17 pm
Madame Tuffington-Douchebag


I'm trying to post via an Android app with lots of negative reviews. We'll see how it goes. At least I can see what I'm typing.

 

The Mighty D took herself on a little jaunt down the walls again. She always goes to the same yard:  6 foot high brick wall, padlocked, presumably no one home.  She stands there and makes this STUPID whooping sound she has instead of a proper bark, and then gives me stinkeye when Gabe calls her home.

 

In about two hours, she's going to start whooping at cats in the backyard. Ugh.

Thursday, February 21st, 2013
5:51 am
My trip to the fish store
Danny had me take aquarium water to the fish store for testing. The poor, poor fish store man. He asked, "what kind of tank do you have?" I told him ocean water. He visibly calmed himself and inquired if I have corals or fish or what. I happily stated corals and animals. He patiently queried, "how long have you had it?" I inform him at least a year. Then he makes the mistake of asking why I need it tested if it's an established tank, what are we testing for. I don't know, Danny said some levels of...somethings...were high. If he writes it down, I will give it to The Man and he will understand.

After a bit, he comes back with the numbers. For some reason, he decides to tell me about them. I blink at him. He asks if I'd just fed the fish, because that affects the levels of the things. I state firmly that I do no feeding or fish whatsoever, I only name them. He perseveres. I start asking about blue fish. I want only blue fish. He tells me I don't want these awesome maze-patterned angels because they won't stay blue, and I don't want that other little blue fish "because he's grumpy." Now we're speaking my language.

Danny went back later to get some chemical or other, I flatly refused to participate in more ventures into things I don't understand after peering dimly at the tire salesperson earlier. The fish store man exclaimed in tones of wonderment when he figured out that the moron lady earlier belongs to Danny. He probably wonders how I keep the children alive when I'm so obviously dumb. :)
Sunday, August 26th, 2012
11:27 pm
The past 24 hours
I have to keep this short before the Ambien catches up with me (yay, sleeping night has finally come). In the last 24 hours: new dog proved herself useful. My backyard is a fully enclosed, no access yard with a 5 and 1/2 foot wall. Great White came galloping down the stairs like the charge of a heavy cavalry, and freaked out at the backdoor. Danny looked over and SAW SOME GUY LOOKING IN. WHO WAS NOT AFRAID OF LARGE, ANGRY DOG. So Danny ran at the door and left the dog out. The dog bit him. Crazy guy who I hope was just high and confused, rather than planning on inviting himself in, punched her on the head. The dog let go long enough for him to try to get back over the wall. She got another good bit on the thigh before he got away. Police were called. Dog is fine.

I got to introduce someone with the name "quetzalcoatl" to Quetzalcoatlus, the damned coolest, largest flying dino evers. We think. You know how we always backtrack on the statistics or find something even more unlikely. Current estimate is a 36 foot wingspan, and they flew American Airlines style across the ocean.

I think the Ambien will arrive shortly, so here's a copy and paste of my best/worst dream ever. You ever wake up and wonder, "Did I actually accidantly ingest acid at some point?" Full disclosure, I've never done acid, seems like a bad idea. I digress, long weird dream I had: The best one was after I escaped a hospital full of zombies (the admin zombies were the worst, they were everywhere and extra out-to-get-you), it turned into a video game style thing where UV light hurts them and it just so happens that whatever building I was in was rigged for those to alternately turn off or on. I even got a few resets. Then somehow I realized that the zombie-aliens greatest enemy are....wait for it....house cats, like in that Stephen King movie. So last part was me running around, freeing cats from stores and pounds. Be free! Free to eat the faces off the alien zombie things!

Time to go. Lights look brighter and more appealing. I'm a moth!
Thursday, August 16th, 2012
9:34 am
HAPPY
I got 5 hours of solid sleep, the kids are at school until 2:30, I got to grocery shop in quiet and only buy the things on my list, I had an uninterrupted breakfast of chocolate milk & turkey sandwich, and now I'm going to have a NAP. I LOVE EVERYBODY RIGHT NOW.
Wednesday, May 30th, 2012
6:28 pm
this needs to recorded for the ages
Gabe exclaims, "I sucked my tentacles!"

My dismay face D: <--- pretty much that right there
What does that MEAN??? What are your tentacles?! Are we playing pirates?

Gabe: No! *points at crotch* My tentacles!

I continue looking dismayed. "What do you do to them then?"

I think he mashed them on a branch he was climbing. He's now whispering, "testicles. Testicles," as he does when he's practicing a new word or some new turn of obscene phrase I've shouted at another driver.
Saturday, May 12th, 2012
8:01 pm
I suppose I should make a stab at a real update
Let's see. The children are currently wrapping up their year in pre-k, in two different schools, which different schedules. It's not too bad, but having everyone on the same schedule next year will be a relief. Gabriel has just about outgrown his need for any kind of therapy, although he continues to make the appropriate sounds in strange ways. He keeps his upper lip peeled back when he talks but he makes the right sounds somehow that way.

Malachai adores pre-school, though we suddenly hit a rut where he doesn't want to get up in the morning. We've been having some bedtime issues, but I'm trying to get everyone back on track. The children ALWAYS wake up fully in the middle of the night, and instead of coming to me, who just cuddles, offers water, and boots them back to bed, they've decided to go downstairs and watch tv with Danny. Danny will have to immediately turn off the tv and use the tablet pc instead, oh the poor dear. He doesn't object, just needs to remember to do it automatically.

The school the beasties will attend next year is a Montessori charter school. It very much fits Gabriel's style of learing. He may or may not listen to an explanation about how plants grow, that he himself initiated, but if you give him something to demonstrate it, you can teach him concepts you would not think him ready for for YEARS. Malachai can learn by just being spoken at, but as with nearly all children his age, he's more interested and remembers more longterm the concepts he was able to learn by physically manipulating something. Gabriel is hesitant about leaving the preschool he has known for two years, but when he sees all the beads and blocks in his new school, I am certain he will be completely won over. I never did see a child for loving beads and shiny things the way my little redheaded crow does. The beads and blocks are in the math section, so I fully expect that child to be much more competent at math than his forebears.

The school does make me a little nervous, because as a charter they have to do a lot of fundraising to keep something of the things I consider basics, such as a formal music program and a PE program. Maybe I'm not giving credit where credit is due, but I feel maybe PE for physically able children shouldn't be too hard of a program to put together, and children who do need more physically, maybe they should want someone with a therapy background. I'm a little worried for that part, and about fundraising. I'm not one of those people who joyously jumped into Avon and Scentscy and forcing your friends to listen to sales pitches. I really hope they have occassional fundraisers that offer things I'd actually want, so I feel good about poking friends and strangers to buy. I'll figure something out. If I cannot help them raise money, I will put myself out for cleaning classrooms, playground maintainence, and painting and such.

Uh, hey...any of you guys know anything about grant writing? The school needs one, but I don't really know where you just find one. Ideally I'd like to learn it myself, but I'm thinking this isn't something you just go read a few webpages about. Maybe it is! Anyone give me a pointer about where/how to learn this?

Going to this charter school also has just a few drawbacks: no bus, so I will need about as much gas money for everyday back-and-forths as I do now. I never did plan on the beasts being latchkey kids so young, so that part isn't an imposition. And this would have come up even with a regular public school: work. How do people with overlapping schedules manage this? Say my job is 3 pm to 11:30 pm, and Danny's continues to be 2:45 to 11:45 pm. What do people do with their kids? I have the feeling the only answer for those late night hours is "grandparents." That's not an option for us. Grandpa cannot, and Grandma will not. I loathe not having plans in place, but this is something I'm just going to have to roll with. I'm not sure that I want the job I in mind, beacuse while it is very good pay and the resposibilities wouldn't be too onerus, I would be better served long-term to begin schooling. And then with schooling comes LOANS, which I loathe. OH WOE IS ME.

So, mostly these days I'm just concentrating on improving and expanding my cooking, the usual (clean house, clean kids, feed kids, feed kids, feed kids), and dreading the blistering murderous summer.
Sunday, April 29th, 2012
4:05 pm
a great trip to the park
My friend, whose name I have promised not to divulge, met us at the park today. It was the greatest trip ever. First, we had inappropriate conversation about porn:

(in reference to 70's porn vs modern porn)
"Well, they take so many shots..." *pause, stare at friend* :-D :-D
"That was unintentional but I love it so much, I'm gonna say it a few more times."

Then, just before we left, I spot a guy wearing a Kony 2012 shirt.
"DO YOU WATCH POKEMON, friend whose name is withheld?!"
*puzzled look* "Sometimes..."
"LOOK! A WILD DOUCHE APPEARS!"

Then the fine gentleman went into the bouncy castle set up there and promptly injured himself. In a bouncy castle. Without anyone else in it. Could not have worked out better.
Friday, March 30th, 2012
3:52 pm
Carla said I should write this down
Actually, she said, "that's one for the family album."

Malachai went running toward the bathroom, didn't make it, puked on the hallway floor. He was chagrined. To comfort him, Danny told him a story that started with, "When I was 24, I drank too much tequila," and ended with,"and then I puked in my grandma's hair."


His other stories end with, "and then the cops showed up, so we ran."
Tuesday, March 20th, 2012
2:46 am
Made Danny a sammich. Bitches love sammiches
Danny got his cpap a few days ago. He was extremely nervous about it, because at the sleep study he did it felt like he was trying to breathe with his head stuck out of the window at a jet. It IS pretty rough, I tried it myself. BUT, he's already getting used to, and sometimes even enjoying it. He calls it his Darth Vader mask. I think he looks like that Bain fellow. Today, I came up with a few other similarities between Darth Vader and Danny:

Have twins
Neither can run very well
Lack of social skills
Likes firing people

It's a short list but I don't actually like Star Wars at all. I just humor the man.

This is not the post you were looking for.
Friday, March 9th, 2012
10:30 am
named some things in the aquarium
So, we have now: Bill The Brocolli (he's a Kenya tree soft coral, looks like a pink brocolli), Blueberry (blue coral beauty fish), The Nemos (two clowns), Lenny the Blenny, Sneaky Elwood (starry-eyed nelnny, Gabe named him after watching The Blues Brothers), Peter Frampton came already named (spotted Dragonet goby, reminds me of The Beatles' Yellow Submarine buy with psychedelic green and black spots), and now I have named the Hammer coral Christopher Lee.

I am debating naming the frogspawn coral "Viagra" or "Cyalis" because it looks like a pile of flaccid penises.
Tuesday, March 6th, 2012
8:41 pm
for posterity
Today, I encouraged the children to, "run up to that rock, tag it, and run back." That rock was some guy, in grey shorts, sleeping. They came back yelling, "that's a butt!" but I didn't understand at first. I spent way more time ogling that guy's buttcrack than it deserved.
Saturday, February 18th, 2012
1:15 pm
fun with the Pearson
Danny has this pair of brothers for friends, known them since junior high. I don't know how much I've told you about them, and I need to practice typing on an actual computer, so if you're not into long winded, just scroll along. I ain't mad or nothing.

So let us indulge in primogeniture. Stokey is the eldest. You may be thinking to yourself, "what kind of name is Stokey?" I know I did. I asked if that was his real name (and had this reluctantly confirmed later by the bearer of said moniker). Danny said, "Oh, no. It's actually Stokeymuron." (It is pronounced Stoke-ee-Moron, I fucking kid you not.) All dead and pan and shit likes that normal. My reply was, "You're fucking kidding me." And it was then I learned that his mother was big into peyote (and currently pot and pretty white pills of some sort, and also online slots but I DIGRESS) and received his name whilst higher than an SR-71* spy plane: Stokeymuron Gandalf Pearson. There are many anecdotes we will get into about Stokey later this evening, when I have the source material present. I firmly believe her spirit skink or whatever was trying to tell her to name the child Stoney and she was just too high to listen.

Next we have Edward Bonner Pearson. The poor man not only has Stokey & their mother to contend with, but everyone calls him Edward Boner. Mostly I feel for Eddie, except when he jocularly says, "if that new pitbull of yours bites me, I'm gonna sue you and take your house." His jokes make me look like Dear Abby & Miss Manners had a rainbow baby and named it Samantha. Eddie's ok except he has flatly refused, thus far, to ever have a job. He's like 28 and had a job for a few weeks once when he was 18. They had some sort of poll, and asked all the employees whether they had ever stolen from the company. He thought they wanted him to be honest, so he said, "Well, a Coke or two." And he did never seek gainful employment again.

I do their taxes every year. They pay me in a single coffee, if they remember. It's cool. It's not hard, it counts as helping out the unfortunate (however you wanna define it, I'm pretty sure they'll be one category or another), I think it lowers my karmic debt a smidgen. Yesterday, Ed texts me to let me know his federal refund has not come in. His brothers has, and I did his brother's two days after I did Ed's. I look it up, find there's always an IRS update or glitch or something, every year like clockwork, that delays some returns. I let him know, and that we'll find a number to call on Monday and see what the timeline is.

I let it go. Wake up this morning with a sneaking thought, and text Ed:

ME: Ed. Did your brother's return come in just yesterday and you immediately texted me to ask where your's was?

ED: Yes.

Me: Ed. I am God, not the IRS. I cannot make your refund come in before your brother's just because that would be fair.

ED: LOL


He really is a good sport about me sometimes. :)



*I looked it up and that plane does fly high indeed. Might even had passed Stokey's mom's consciousness a time or twenty
Friday, February 17th, 2012
9:24 pm
fun with the family
Chai: what's the internet?
Me: a series of tubes run by cats

2 minutes later:
Me: Episode 1. How old is Amygdala?
Danny: I don't know.
Me: Well I think she's a cradle-robbing whore. HEY. How come they don't have birth control in a galaxy far, far away?
Danny: I don't know.
Me: Why don't they use The Force?
Danny: because that would be interfering with life (I think he just got tired of saying "I don't know.")
Me: Fucking Catholics

(sorry to Catholics, knee jerk reaction, working on it)
1:09 pm
Gabe is stealthy
He does this a lot but it's even funnier when you hear it from two rooms away:

Gabe: Chai! Let's sneak out!
Danny: You know I can hear you, right?!
Thursday, February 16th, 2012
1:00 pm
read this as your own personal favorite line from Rocky
Danny: I was watching Rocky 3 last night.

Me: I know.

Danny: How did you know?!

Me: I heard "Eye of the Tiger" and snoring on my way to my bathroom.
Saturday, January 28th, 2012
11:45 pm
Tomorrow, I'm gonna tell you about today. And you'll be all O__O. I swear. One way or another, I swear. Your face is gonna squiggle.
Thursday, January 26th, 2012
11:02 pm
today
I cut up a giant box and we made "sleds" to go down a concrete slide. Ghetto or recycling chic? This caused us to make friends with non-helicopter parents so I don't even care. Cute freckled mom gave us her phone number because we're just that cool. Even dads think so. I brought crayons to decorate, and one dad said, "because that makes them go faster." Yes! Cuz we'll draw flames on them! One day a stranger will speak lolcat back at me and my day will be complete. SPEEK TEH TONGUE OF MAH PEEPLE.

Also, Gabe was angry that I wouldn't allow him to block off the slide. He threatened me with a stick. I mockingly took a picture that I may add to this post.

I don"t resize picturesCollapse )
Danny has a phone interview tomorrow. He told me to wake him with computer questions. What the fuck do I know about computers? I can turn them on. I can make folders. I can find lolcats. Yup. That's about it.

Pictures maybe later, if I both remember and then also care. It's just the "FOR NARNIA" picture on FB and or ghetto-recycled cardboard sleds.
Thursday, January 19th, 2012
12:02 am
Modern Warfare 3
Danny is SO MAD. Hahahaha he was playing MW3, and got a score of 220, while his teammates had over a thousand. I asked if this is like golf, where it's good to have a low score? Apparently it is not.
Thursday, January 12th, 2012
11:50 am
I has 4 am angry
So, insomnia in full swing and no ambien/sleel aids til Friday (gotta take a week off, otherwise I develop a tolerance). Around 4 am, I usually decide enough is enough, and try to sleep. I have been using my lovely Andrew Johnson deep sleep hypnosis program. It really does work, like 65% of the time, if I'm already tired. He has a soothing voice with a nice slight Scottish (Scots?) accent.

Except, at 4 am I've got a serious grump on. I get so mad at that man! I wanna teach him to say "sleepy" properly instead of "shleepy," and when he gets to the hypnosis suggestion part, I really get irate. "You arr sleeping a deep, relaxing, NATURAL.sleep." Im. No. I'm fucking not. I'm counting down the days until YAY DRUGS AND ACTUAL SLEEP.

And then, the last part of the program is a low, slow, soothing, "Go. To. Sleep. Go. To. Sleep."
Motherfucker, I would if I could!
Wednesday, December 21st, 2011
3:00 pm
I'm so mean
Chai dropped the ps3 remote, and a car alarm went off outside. I looked angry and exclaimed, "Malachai, what did you DO?" He froze and made the most dismayed face D-: like literally, his mouth was turned down and hanging open. I let him stew for a few seconds before I couldn't hold back a snicker.
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